You know what i’ve noticed lately ? For the past few years i’ve gained and lost something…essentially the same thing….i’ve gained in confidence and lost in vulnerability. Yet the more confident i feel , the more easy it is for me to be vulnerable. Theres something about empowerment and self assurance that erases ( or at the least diminishes) your desire or inclination to prove yourself to others in any way or shape…to appear as you aren’t…to seem as if everything is well and good. See when you start to understand that the power to define yourself doesn’t lie in anyone elses hands but your own, that what others think can only affect you as much as you allow it to than you really start to feel librated. Free from any pretending, conforming, adjusting or adapting. You just let yourself be. You say what you mean and you mean what you say.
Its not about being fearless, reckless or a rebel of society. Its not about not caring what others think ( which i don’t even think is humanly possible ), its not about being right and others being wrong or vice versa. Its not even particularly about you or Others - its simply about having perspective : seeing the bigger picture. And what is the bigger picture ? The bigger picture is life and being more preoccupied by what you want to accomplish, the kind of person you are and the world you live in. It is about concerning yourself with what is most essential in life and understand that we are all going through it - this thing called life. Its learning how not to take things personally because in reality it is beyond the ‘’Me’’, the ‘’you’’ and the ‘’Us’’ . So when you come in terms with that notion of having perspective, you don’t feel the need to be anything but who you are. At least for me thats what happened. I don’t open up to everyone and anyone but i open up easily, i share, i tell my story to whomever wants to hear it. I feed into discussion about various topics, i share my opinions, i debate, i listen, i argue, i analyze and i let myself feel. The stronger i become, the more vulnerable i am. I think the only difference with now and then is that my vulnerability was suppressed and expressed through feelings of doubt and angst. I had little to no control over what i felt and how i felt it. I was vulnerable to and because of emotional pain. Now, i willingly choose and surrender to the vulnerability of it all : the love, the pain, the joy, the sorrow, the triumphs and failures.
It is interesting to notice that it is at the height of our emotion, when all the passion is at the surface, it is during our most vulnerable state that we are the most inspired. At least thats how it is for me. When the pain is grand, when the love is overwhelming - my senses are ignited to their highest form of creativity. It is in that sense that i feel a loss of my younger years when i was living through teenage angst and battled with deep self esteem issues - i wrote. I didn’t just write some days, sometimes in someway. I wrote about it all, almost everyday, so naturally and so candidly. and i spent a lot of time also thinking and analyzing….i thought much more than i interacted with others. Living in my bubble so unphased by the world, the people and their issues yet so emotionally bruised and affected by this world i was living in. I was a true paradox now that i think about it.
So here i am now wondering if what i gained as a young confident woman was worth what i lost as an innocent yet so very damaged young girl. My confidence has risen, my vulnerability and how i express it has shifted, i am no longer the young doubtful bruised girl yet as a grown woman now, i realize that i’ve lost something that i could never get back , that i can’t even put a name on ( or at least something i cannot be at the same time as what i am now). Life is full of choices as we know it and for every choice A you must learn to let go of B because they cannot both co-exist. I believe each choice serves a different purpose and it would be counterproductive ( even impossible) to try and make two distinctive choices remain as one. Its in that true sense where we really cannot have it all in life. Its what makes life bittersweet…its what makes life, life.
What makes life amazing isn’t the consistency of it because it never is . It isn’t the great events, the happy moments, the celebrations or its great trials and tribulations, its not the joy nor the pain, its not even a matter of what happens or what doesn’t happen …What makes life unique and beyond wonder is the possibilities in something and everything - it is the changes that occur in ourselves, in our surroundings, it is our strengths and weaknesses, it is our successes and failures, our defeats and victories…it is how we strive and when we lose…it is how we fall and when we rise…Life is lived throughout choices , life, once you have it is the most certain yet most unreliable experience. With life, you are guaranteed to live but you have no guarantee on the type of life it will be. Life is lived as a dream - half asleep , half awake - as you dream of a life to live.
I am a dreamer… I spend my nights dreaming of distant lands, sunset on island paradise, strolling through ancient city ruins, marching through seemingly enchanted forests…i dream of discovering places, foreign faces and sounds…i dream of falling asleep on a beach in Bali, awaken by the muezzin’s call for prayer in Istanbul ….I have a vision of tasting local cuisine somewhere in Asia , passionately debating about life in a café in Egypt , climbing along the great wall of china , visiting a Buddhist Temple in Tibet, marching to ”la place rouge” in Moscow, being at the Taj Mahal in India…I would love to travel through Europe mostly Italy, Spain, Portugal, Romania, Bulgaria, Greece and Switzerland …i even yearn to experience that simple and comforting village life in some remote and far away place, possibly in Africa - I also want to see the savannah and be an eye witness to the mightiest of creatures in the animal kingdom…
I also dream of bursting cities like Tokyo and Dubai…and i must visit every country of my mother land AFRICA
And so much, so much more.
I do not consider myself wiser, smarter or more apt to understand certain things. On the contrary, the more i learn, the more i realize that there are so many things i dont know. Nonetheless i am fully aware & appreciative of these fundamental elements in my personality that make me live consciously. What could make me different from another is mainly that i ask myself those questions, literally & methaporically. You know, those type of questions that keep you wondering about the world & life - i live in discovery . Also i wonder alot…about basically everything that is & makes this world. My ocean of curiosity is endless & deep…i am submerged in every way possible by its movements. Many choose to narrow their path, limiting their potential to basic intellect , uninterested in exploring the deepest parts of their soul & simply seem to lack a desire to learn. My thirst for knowledge is forever unquenchable yet i live & love to satisfy my desire knowing purposely that it is a never ending journey. And every bit- moment- joy & pain is a bit i cherish because thats what living is about to me.
This world is such a distraction
Caught up in superficialities
Where every event that could mean something is turned into a gigantic marketing plot to lure people into slave comsumption for those things that do no matter…those things that do not serve a higher purpose…enable you to grow…those things that pervert you & create disstress in your mind…those things that shift the attention from profound truth to alluring lies…those things
But then this world, shows so much beauty
beauty in innocence , beauty in truth, beauty in justice,
beauty from learning , creating and living.
I’ve always been a dreamer, a thinker, an observer, someone who loves to analyze everything- Very much so involved & aware - on a constant self discovery journey…I remember being younger and isolating myself to just think and write for hours. Just as talking & confiding in people can make you feel better, wiser, calmer…Isolating myself to think revived my spirit & is something i do so naturally. Every once in awhile, i crave it - i always crave facing myself alone in the only presence of the most high. And the times i do, i am never disappointed - why should i be, i do it with no expectations, just out of need. Do we drink water expecting to quench our thirst ? Do we eat expecting not to feel hungry anymore ? …Well yes, we do. But those expectations do not define the essence of those needs. We need water, we need food…because our being exist through it. And it makes us feel GOOD, feel RIGHT, feel BALANCED, feel COMPLETE, feel RENEWED. This is what chosen alone time does to me & so much more.
Today more than any day, i feel so beautiful - not aesthetically - but rather spiritually beautiful. I feel this strong harmony between my mind, spirit and physical body - It is peace. And what other day than your birth anniversary is the best day to take a step back, a deep breath, think, analyze and assess the past few years or so of your journey so far ?! Here are some of the thoughts that have crossed my mind from that assesment :
What i am thankfull for
- Simply for Turning 26 years old today and knowing how it feels to be 26. Not everyone on earth gets to see and know that.
- For everything that went well and all of what has went wrong : I don’t believe in hasard and as i continue living, i clearly see how every event that happens in your life is made to shape you and mold you into a greater self , if you do take the time to understand.
- For living, breathing, existing : I could have not been. But God decided i was and i am because he made me. Eternally grateful
-For loved ones, people who shaped part of my identity or/and whom have impacted my life in a fulfilling way - My sisters, My mother, My late Father…Friends, once in a lifetime accounters, great spirits with whom i’ve shared interesting conversations, teachers, school/work colleagues & so many more.
- For my strength of character and who i am growing into : Never shying away from life…sometimes afraid but always taking the risk of failure & success…never defining my understanding of life according to ( & only through) society’s standards…Staying true to my spirit , to my true self no matter the conflicts, struggles…emotional struggle. Amazed at how my mind is growing . I feel blessed to be not impressed by any superficial quest - I value my soul & invest in truly the best in myself - I look for the pure, strive for the better yet know how to understand my worst - still acknowledging im human , because all my emotional scars are what made me who i am, like i am, enabled to stand as i do - gives me courage to face this life as i do.
- Beyond it all i am thankfull for love, in all forms, shapes and sizes…my ability to love the way i do. I feel it is truly a gift.
Life has been so far full of contradictions- Painful & joyfull, exciting & Serene, Quiet & loud, fulfilling & draining …full of highs & lows…moments of deep sadness , times of intense hapiness. My semi-conclusion : Living takes a whole lot of energy & a whole lot of courage. Today, i can say that my incessant curiosity challenges me in ways beyond imagination…. I am seriously my biggest supporter, My Number 1 Cheerleader…I am fully centered in God’s love, conscious of the greatness ,in search of my best self.
As for my accomplishments, they may not be measured or counted - I own nothing with a high material value - I can’t splurge in luxury or go on shopping sprees - but my emotional growth & renewed faith are the treasures of my life , my journey so far has been of the most beautiful kind so i pray for days that continue on and that don’t ressemble themselves, Strenght & courage to face my life with integrity, love, respect & strong faith. I pray i am able to keep and nurture a humble and kind spirit facing every kind of situation. I pray i stay grounded in my true essence.
…Of course, it is.
I’ve been using twitter ( follow me @YassineDiallo) as my confessional place lately and then i remembered that my tumblr blog is suppose to serve that purpose.
I just want to blurt it all out here. but what?! Well things i think about like life, love, people, time, the mind, the soul, GOD, peace, war, food ( yes, food) , and whatever else i feel ( or not) like sharing.
My mind is a chaotic place. I analyze then i think about what i’ve been analyzing, then i evaluate the way i’ve been thinking about what i’ve been analyzing…Get it? no?yes?, Chaotic indeed.
In all this Chaos though, i feel the constant growth, i am very aware and very lost at the same time. Reassured in my confusion that life goes on anyways. I don’t avoid or take the time to face it but i easily and as difficultly let it go by..time that is…and everything it entitles : Love, understanding, growing, beginning, ending, ruining, completing…ect
What am i talking about? what am i saying ? Well, nothing that concerns you but everything that could affect you. Because you have the same identity as me…and you feel and you think and you breath and so on.
I am happy because i can…sad because i am…excited because life is…frustrated because its the truth…confused because it is real…in love a little too much…no hate, no pain, no anger…i have no reason to be, i don’t give myself any.
Well this is me.